To surface all the pain

It is hard for me to believe that it took me this long to realize that you taught me an important lesson that day. When you lashed out at me for canceling our night. I shrugged it off, thinking, and maybe even saying at some point, “oh, she’s only a freshman, she’ll have to learn that not everything is worth an emotional reaction.” Well, that was awfully prideful of me.

I should have been humbled by your reaction. I can learn from it, you know. I can sometimes be the queen of pushing my emotions aside, and they build and build, and right now I am ready to explode. I have been for a while. Not at you.

So thank you for reacting. Really. If you had simply said, “It’s fine! Don’t worry about it!” like I tell her all the time, and she tells me, you would be so ready to just strangle me right now. But you let it out and you told me how you feel, and now I really hear you. I’m finally listening.

So here it goes:

When we were on retreat, and you started complaining about how people hurt you all the time, and it doesn’t seem fair because you’ve “never hurt anyone before,” THAT upset me. Because you have hurt me before.

Because when I promised you I would go to Cotillion with you and then he asked me, you got upset and so I changed my mind and hurt him too, but I would have been happy for you if someone asked you, because we still could have gone together.

But then you turned around at prom and went with him, who means nothing to you, and he means a lot to me. And it was all because of peer pressure. You’re not good at that, by the way. And you didn’t even want to go with my group. Ouch.

But the thing is that so far, you have only hurt me and her because you only love me and her, and now I know that the pain is a blessing. Everyone else that you talk to between class and hang out with sometimes- those are the people you have never stepped on. But you don’t even love them.

I am getting extremely anxious, losing sleep, feeling sick, crying in advance…because I told you that if you lead me on and we dream about our future together, and you end up making another choice, I will be hurt worse than I’ve ever been hurt before. And not because you chose what you chose, but because you did what you did, when I even told you not to, but you promised me it would be okay. And you told me day after day “I’m not gonna get in anyway. There’s no way” and I said “Yes you will. I know you will” but then you actually convinced me you wouldn’t. So when you told me you did, I got angry, and I couldn’t even pretend to be happy for you. But in the end, it will probably end up exactly how we planned. But that doesn’t take the pain of the past away, and I should have never had to go through it.

And so if you ever see this, these are the big hurts. And this is where the pain is coming from. So every other little thing you do, like never coming to my house, even if I say I’ll come to yours, or not doing your part of the work for things I count on you for- those things REALLY get to me. Because there is so much more inside. And I should’ve let it out. But I don’t know how, and I think maybe I just did. If you ever see this, well, I guess the ball is in your court. And the game might be over. I know I can’t change you, and you will never be perfect for me, but a lot of things about you are perfect for me, and I want to be able to cherish that. I have been blinded by a lot of pain, and I am desperate for healing. Maybe…  we can talk about this?