The truth is hard to hear

I want to tell you the truth.

You said to me “Just don’t bottle it up. Talk to anyone.”
Well, anyone won’t listen.
“Sorry. I ignored you. I was a jerk”
Yeah. You were. It left some pretty deep scars.
“I forgive you”
“Thank you”

I asked for help the other day.
Typical response. Eye roll. Sigh.
Here Karin goes again. She’s so weak. is all I can hear from your actions.

I tried to be around you this week.
Typical behavior.
Back to ignoring me.
So much for sorry.

So I tried hanging out with you this weekend.
At least we talked.

But here’s the truth:
I played this game once.
Actually twice.
And I worked up the courage to prevent round three.
So why is it happening.

I ask one thing of you.
Quit being so closed up.
I care about you, and you care about me.
I ran out of that house.
Typical. “Oh my God Karin”
Here she goes again. Obsessed. And crazy.
Im actually surprised you came to talk to me last weekend.
I spent an hour or two working myself up to even ask you to listen.
The way you reacted to me last night reminded me why.

You make me feel invisible and inhuman.
Sometimes I wonder if maybe it’s just me letting myself feel that way.
I’m hurt and I’m weak.
And I’m not Mr. Pride.
I can’t hide it. People know.
And especially you. You know.
The worst thing of all, the worst thing I have been through, is knowing how you must try so hard to just not care.
How much opportunity to reach out and be strong, that you choose to pass up.
I notice it.
I hate it.

And so all I ask is that you at least tell me the truth. The truth that is so hard to hear:
Karin, I don’t want care about you anymore. I don’t want to try.


Painfully In Love

Thought Catalog

When you love someone, it is not always going to be smiles and kisses and sunshine. That is the Hollywood bullshit that has been fed to us from the moment we were first placed in front of a Disney film. Real love is messy and painful and hauntingly beautiful. There were times I have been in love and felt elated, and there have been times where I realized I was in love far too late to rectify the faltering I had committed.

This is what I know about the painful kind of love,

When you’re in love you will feel out of your mind because after trying to be logical for so long, you’ll realize that you cannot rationalize this one feeling.

You’ll want to be a better person for them, and you’ll replay every mistake and over-think every flaw you have because you’re clawing at anything that will make…

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