Are you there, or are you just a decoy dream in my head?

The more I try to move on, the more I feel alone. So why are we trying so hard to move on? What even happened? Where did the happiness, the harmony, the laughter, the friendship and the glow… where did it all disappear to? Sometimes I wonder. Actually, I spend most of my time lately wondering these things. What motivates a human being to give up the one thing keeping them happy in the midst of heartbreak and tragedy? Is it because any emotion at all is too much to handle when something makes us feel so much?

I think I understand. I was there with you when it happened. It was hard. I cried with you, and I still think about it all the time. It was as much a part of my life as it was yours. The only difference was the extreme emotional attachment you carried, the emotion I could never quite understand. You had a feeling of emptiness, incompleteness, even anger. I didn’t have those feelings. But sometimes I do. I understand those feelings. And I still think about it. I pray about it. I hope one day you’ll heal. And I wish I could help you heal. I hope I help you heal, just by being there. Even if you don’t want me.

But I love you. And I pretend like you want me back. I wonder, are you really there? Or are you just a decoy dream in my head? Because sometimes, I try to talk to you, not just in my head, but for real. And when you talk back, it blends into my dreams. And I wonder if I actually talked to you, or if I dreamed that, too. I find myself falling into a trap. A trap I’ve created for myself. Because I can’t forget you. I can’t even imagine trying to forget you. We went through so much. We shared everything. And I wonder if you have forgotten. Because I haven’t.

I know you will heal. I know I will heal. In time, the brokenness we created… the tension we prolong… the awkwardness we share… it will all heal. And if our friendship is meant to be, it will be.

My inspiration: Owl City of course.

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