A poor decision and an unhealthy anticipation

About a month back, I was looking to fill the second semester of my year with activities to keep my mind busy, and hopefully make me feel good about myself as well. Well, I had a lot of activities to choose from, and I wanted to do them all. But I was already committed to my youth group, and my service, which already took up three days of my week. I still wanted to do something with the rest of my evenings, and a couple enticing opportunities were brought to my attention. I decided to go out for field commander for my school’s marching band, and am currently taking lessons along with trying to find time to practice. But for some reason, I also joined my school’s indoor drumline. As if a full Monday and Tuesday and a full weekend wasn’t enough, I felt the need to fill my Wednesdays and Fridays, too. Something along the lines of, “hey, I bet it would be fun  to see how far I can push myself this year until I get so stressed and behind in life that I can’t motivate myself to do anything anymore” must have run through my mind. So here I am. And I am stressed beyond belief. I have no time to myself. No time to practice all the new things I am learning, no time to get better at anything. Life is racing past me faster than I can catch up. And I am behind. So why did I sign myself up for this lifestyle? What is this teaching me? Was it because I wanted to explore the other side of the band, having always heard the grass was greener on the drumline side? Or was it because I want to be field commander, and felt the need to get to know the whole group? Or was it because two of my best friends were involved in it, and I didn’t want to lose them? Or was it simply because I wanted to push myself, give myself something to be proud of at the end of the year, to surprise myself in doing something I never even imagined I could do?

Well, as usual, it turns out it was a combination of all of these thoughts, and maybe a few more. But I’m still trying to figure out how I am going to tackle the predicament I have gotten myself into. The last thing I want is to be labeled a “quitter” by one of the most respectable leaders I know, and some of the greatest kids I know, and even by myself. That is really the last thing I want. But I can’t do it all. I just don’t have time. I am anticipating disaster, and its an unhealthy anticipation. It only adds to my stress. Maybe I’ll get better. Maybe its just rough right now, because its all new to me. Maybe I should just take it moment by moment, day by day, and see how it goes. I’ll use every bit of free time I have to be productive in any way I can, and when I don’t have the energy to be productive, I will take a break, and then start back up again. Right now, I clearly need a break. I clearly need to relax and reboot. I need to clear my mind, so I can start running again.

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3 thoughts on “A poor decision and an unhealthy anticipation”

  1. I know what you mean, senior year learning to be a drummer with school, youth group, family babysitting and everything, just drives me crazy. Its part of why I don’t sleep more than 3 or 4 hours a night. There are times I just think my life is crazy and it’ll never work. Then I look at my friends, and realize that I can do it. for them, I could do anything. And its always been worth it

  2. right. that’s why I try to smile as much as possible during the day and hold doors and stuff too. doesn’t take much time or effort, but people notice.

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